1
00:00:00,751 --> 00:00:04,301
Hi, I'm gonna be your waitress
because my mother drank.

2
00:00:05,381 --> 00:00:08,341
-We need a sec.
-Feeling kind of generous. Take two.

3
00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:12,431
Then he said to me,
"Dude, your vagina is weird."

4
00:00:12,596 --> 00:00:16,386
Dude, that's insane. It is so not weird.
Your vagina's awesome.

5
00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:17,774
Okay, I'm ready.

6
00:00:17,934 --> 00:00:19,694
Now I need a sec.

7
00:00:20,353 --> 00:00:22,653
Well, it's over. I can't say it anymore.

8
00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:24,605
The vagina's gone mainstream.

9
00:00:24,774 --> 00:00:27,704
What's next?
A clothing line at Target?

10
00:00:28,611 --> 00:00:31,531
Aw, Max, I'm sorry.
It's your favorite word.

11
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:34,529
And my favorite body part,
but now everyone's saying it.

12
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:38,201
Well, we can pick another word for it.
Something cute, like cookie?

13
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:41,711
Sounds like a good idea until you walk
past a bunch of Girl Scouts...

14
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,955
...selling their cookies on the street.

15
00:00:44,587 --> 00:00:47,757
Well, we've gotta pick something,
because vagina's everywhere.

16
00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,553
Where?

17
00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:04,061
NARRATOR:
Previously on Two Broke Girls:

18
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:09,070
This is invitation
to "Metropolitan Museum Annual Gala."

19
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:10,986
We have the invitation. She'll be there.

20
00:01:11,155 --> 00:01:13,905
You are talking about
us stalking Martha Stewart.

21
00:01:14,073 --> 00:01:17,163
So you want me to taste your cupcake
in the ladies' room?

22
00:01:17,328 --> 00:01:19,408
What's inappropriate about that?

23
00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:23,079
That is our beer-batter maple-bacon
Spring Break cupcake.

24
00:01:23,501 --> 00:01:26,001
Quite tasty. Do you girls have a card?

25
00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,750
BOTH:
Martha Stewart likes our cupcakes!

26
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,261
(BOTH LAUGH)

27
00:01:31,509 --> 00:01:32,929
Max, have you seen my phone?

28
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,813
I wanna take a picture of this bad tip
and put it on Instagram.

29
00:01:35,971 --> 00:01:39,931
Getting loose change used to be so
depressing, but now I can share it.

30
00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:41,346
Let me sum it up:

31
00:01:41,519 --> 00:01:45,769
Twitter is stupid and Instagram
is Twitter for people who can't read.

32
00:01:46,981 --> 00:01:50,611
Where is my phone? I could have sworn
I left it right here, next to yours.

33
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,107
Oh, I'll just call it.

34
00:01:52,362 --> 00:01:54,782
Oh, that's not necessary.
I'm sure it'll turn up--

35
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,368
(ON PHONE)
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

36
00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:59,334
And they're like
It's better than yours

37
00:01:59,495 --> 00:02:00,575
--in my pocket.

38
00:02:00,745 --> 00:02:03,165
Max, why are you hiding my phone
in your apron?

39
00:02:03,331 --> 00:02:06,671
Is that the big question?
Because I think the bigger question is:

40
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:11,125
Why is your ringtone "My milkshake
brings all the boys to the yard"?

41
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:15,722
If you have to ask that, you clearly
have not seen my milkshake.

42
00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:18,814
Okay, here. I'm busted.

43
00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:21,563
I was checking to see
if Martha Stewart called us yet.

44
00:02:21,724 --> 00:02:24,314
You checked it again?
You check it every 15 minutes.

45
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,648
I know. I'm acting like a little bitch.

46
00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:30,154
Max, Martha Stewart
has our business card.

47
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,147
She liked our cupcake. She'll call.

48
00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:34,779
Look, in my defense,
she asked for our card.

49
00:02:34,989 --> 00:02:37,869
She got us all hot and bothered
and then what? Nothing.

50
00:02:38,033 --> 00:02:40,703
Martha Stewart is a cake tease.

51
00:02:40,870 --> 00:02:42,000
(GASPS)

52
00:02:42,872 --> 00:02:46,172
How dare you?
Martha Stewart is not a cake tease.

53
00:02:46,332 --> 00:02:49,172
Nothing worse than a cake tease.
Ask any man.

54
00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:52,668
Yeah, you shower, you powder your sack.

55
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,680
For what?

56
00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:59,846
Max, relax. She'll call.
Everything's gonna work out.

57
00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:02,524
A year ago,
we didn't even have a cupcake business.

58
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,102
Look how far we've come.

59
00:03:04,435 --> 00:03:07,765
I haven't come at all,
thanks to the cake tease.

60
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:13,654
(IMITATES MARTHA STEWART)
Oh, your cupcake is quite tasty.

61
00:03:13,818 --> 00:03:15,188
Do you have a card?

62
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:17,411
Max, that's a good Martha Stewart.

63
00:03:17,573 --> 00:03:21,413
(IN NORMAL VOICE) I know, because I can't
get her siren voice out of my head.

64
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,696
(CAROLINE LAUGHS)

65
00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:27,633
CAROLINE:
Wow, Han.

66
00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:31,590
You look like you were hit
by a Mardi Gras and a gay-pride float.

67
00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:35,716
I have just returned from the exciting
Manhattan Restaurant Trade Show.

68
00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:37,470
Look at all this free swag.

69
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,394
And I've got stress balls.

70
00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:43,062
Well, just go in the back
and take care of yourself.

71
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:46,392
Listen up, everybody.
I have a big announcement.

72
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,810
Well, more like a 5'1" announcement.

73
00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:52,569
I am changing the diner
to state-of-the-art computer...

74
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:55,363
...power-touch ordering system
for food and checks.

75
00:03:55,526 --> 00:03:56,986
I am not learning anything new.

76
00:03:57,153 --> 00:03:59,913
I work here because I have no skills.

77
00:04:00,824 --> 00:04:03,584
You don't have to learn it, Max.
It's very smart machine.

78
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:04,913
It will help you.

79
00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:07,749
Uh-huh. That's how it started with machines
in The Matrix.

80
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,294
Next thing you know,
the human race was enslaved.

81
00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:11,839
Been there, done that.

82
00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:14,002
I'm with Max.

83
00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:18,384
We are doing it. It's important
to move the business into the future.

84
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:21,301
So get with it, you Luddites.

85
00:04:22,178 --> 00:04:24,968
Uh-uh-uh-uh. Girls, we got big trouble.

86
00:04:25,139 --> 00:04:28,849
If he starts using a new system,
I won't be able to use my old system...

87
00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:31,689
...where I skim something off the top.

88
00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,395
Earl, skimming?

89
00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:34,816
I'm kind of shocked.

90
00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:36,283
I don't do it for me.

91
00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:39,782
You know how once a month,
you girls have a really good night in tips?

92
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:41,777
You're welcome.

93
00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:43,869
I have been lying awake at night...

94
00:04:44,033 --> 00:04:47,703
...trying to figure out how we made
that 200 bucks with her skills.

95
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,962
-Hey, girls.
-Hey, Sophie.

96
00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:55,295
You know, every time I come here,
I'm surprised you're still open.

97
00:04:57,923 --> 00:04:59,303
Here you go, Sophie.

98
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:04,716
Hey, where's the little Asian woman
that always hands me my menu?

99
00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:08,314
-Asian woman? You mean Han?
-Mm-hm.

100
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,095
Sophie, Han's a man.

101
00:05:10,269 --> 00:05:13,149
If you say so.

102
00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:16,611
Is there anything special tonight?

103
00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:20,241
Yes. Here I am.

104
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,494
With treats for my sweet.

105
00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:26,826
Oh, Day-Glo zebra?

106
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,584
That's my favorite animal.

107
00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:33,877
Oh, an edible underwear.

108
00:05:34,043 --> 00:05:37,173
That's my favorite snack.

109
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:41,548
Yeah, and they're crotchless,
so less carbs.

110
00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:48,059
Oh. And my favorite microwavable lube.

111
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:52,186
And what's this?

112
00:05:52,728 --> 00:05:55,108
Toothbrushes?

113
00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:59,111
Oh, that's going to hurt you, but okay.

114
00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:03,914
No, I want to leave them at your house
now that you and I are exclusive.

115
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,406
(LAUGHING)

116
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,623
Exclusive?

117
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,042
Wait, hold phone.

118
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:14,294
Are you telling me
that you and I are not exclusive?

119
00:06:14,458 --> 00:06:16,668
Exclusive? Ha-ha-ha.

120
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:18,464
Oh, come on. Stop it now.

121
00:06:18,629 --> 00:06:21,459
Go on, Jay Leno. Ha-ha-ha.

122
00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:25,429
Caroline, did you think Sophie and I
were exclusive?

123
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:28,472
Well, you have stopped showing us
your penis.

124
00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:30,099
Exactly.

125
00:06:30,264 --> 00:06:32,234
If that's not exclusive,
I don't know what is.

126
00:06:32,391 --> 00:06:33,561
(SOPHIE LAUGHING)

127
00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:36,476
Exclusive? Oh, my God.

128
00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:38,726
Oh, come on, stop it before I--

129
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,189
(GASPS)

130
00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:42,858
Oh. Uh-oh.

131
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:44,358
It happened.

132
00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:46,779
I split my Spanx.

133
00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:53,790
Martha Stewart, please.

134
00:06:53,956 --> 00:06:55,576
It's Michelle Obama.

135
00:06:56,707 --> 00:06:57,787
What's this about?

136
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,708
My sheets shrunk and I am pissed.

137
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,260
Hello?

138
00:07:04,423 --> 00:07:08,603
Max, it didn't work when you were
Mick Jagger with a busted muffin tin...

139
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,932
...or Alicia Keys
with a wonky shower curtain.

140
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:15,388
It really didn't work when you
were Steve Jobs back from the dead...

141
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:18,400
...with thoughts on her panini press.

142
00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:22,154
-Stop sober dialing Martha Stewart.
-Who says I'm sober?

143
00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:24,147
Max, give me your phone.

144
00:07:27,488 --> 00:07:29,618
(ON PHONE)
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

145
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:30,833
And they're like

146
00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:32,082
Now give me my phone.

147
00:07:32,244 --> 00:07:34,834
Okay. Take it. Done. I'm over her.

148
00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:36,537
When is she gonna call me?

149
00:07:36,747 --> 00:07:39,577
My milkshake would totally bring her
to the yard.

150
00:07:39,750 --> 00:07:41,750
Max, this isn't you.

151
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:44,300
I mean, you're strong. You're a bad-ass.

152
00:07:44,463 --> 00:07:47,053
You beat HPV with Tylenol.

153
00:07:47,259 --> 00:07:49,599
And it wasn't even the name brand.

154
00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:51,011
What's wrong with you?

155
00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:52,930
I was a virgin before Martha, okay?

156
00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:55,428
No one ever told me
I was good at anything.

157
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,940
And you never forget
your first rich white woman.

158
00:07:58,103 --> 00:07:59,733
With or without Martha Stewart...

159
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:03,016
...we'll build our cupcake business
and be a success. I know it.

160
00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:04,782
How? How do you know that?

161
00:08:04,942 --> 00:08:08,952
I know because you have the talent,
I have the vision, and because I feel it.

162
00:08:09,113 --> 00:08:10,323
I feel it here.

163
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,830
Oh, blech. Your heart?

164
00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:14,662
No. My pearls.

165
00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:15,997
My lucky pearls.

166
00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:18,828
By lucky, do you mean ugly?

167
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,829
I've worn these every day
since I was evicted from my townhouse.

168
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,882
This pearl necklace brings me luck.

169
00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:25,165
(LAUGHS)

170
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,758
You think your life is lucky?

171
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:31,505
This morning, you used toilet paper
as a coffee filter...

172
00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:35,217
...and then used it as toilet paper.

173
00:08:35,514 --> 00:08:39,854
This sounds silly, but there is something
about putting on these pearls...

174
00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:44,229
...that makes me feel strong, confident,
and like anything is possible.

175
00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:47,319
And as long as I have these lucky pe--

176
00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:50,071
(CAROLINE GASPS)

177
00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:52,819
Oh, no. Oh, no.

178
00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:56,200
No, no. Don't freak out, don't freak out.
We'll get them.

179
00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:58,655
Oh, no.

180
00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:00,670
My pearls. My lucky pearls.

181
00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:03,341
Yes, yes,
we have identified the problem.

182
00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:04,881
Just pick them up.

183
00:09:13,135 --> 00:09:15,545
Whoa, looks like somebody
found breakfast.

184
00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:17,887
No, Chestnut.

185
00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:21,023
I'm still using that.

186
00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:22,936
Well, nothing's gonna work out now.

187
00:09:23,105 --> 00:09:24,395
Here comes the bad luck.

188
00:09:24,563 --> 00:09:27,193
Don't be ridiculous.
Your luck couldn't get any worse.

189
00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,033
(CAROLINE GASPS)

190
00:09:33,197 --> 00:09:36,237
(WHIMPERING)

191
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,199
Or could it?

192
00:09:43,625 --> 00:09:47,705
Okay, Earl.
This is the L-520 order-system touchpad.

193
00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:50,089
Look how simple. See?

194
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:53,876
I'm telling you,
I can't figure this tricky little thing out.

195
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:56,222
Earl, it's an on/off button.

196
00:09:56,388 --> 00:09:57,468
Oh, slow down.

197
00:09:57,639 --> 00:10:00,019
It does both?

198
00:10:01,183 --> 00:10:04,313
Let me just charge this up
for you right here.

199
00:10:05,897 --> 00:10:10,897
Oh, this thing has been plugged
more than the Kardashian sisters.

200
00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:15,161
I better check the old wiring
in diner first.

201
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,988
Max, now I feel like everyone's staring
at my chest area.

202
00:10:19,161 --> 00:10:22,331
Well, welcome to my life
every day since I was 9.

203
00:10:22,706 --> 00:10:24,786
That necklace meant
something special to me.

204
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:28,247
Didn't you ever lose anything sentimental
you had for a long time?

205
00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:31,169
My mother.
But then she found her way back.

206
00:10:31,340 --> 00:10:33,800
Look, I am done waiting
for Martha to call.

207
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:36,046
I say we go down there
with some cupcakes...

208
00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:37,719
...remind her she liked them...

209
00:10:37,928 --> 00:10:41,768
-...and suggest she puts us on her show.
-No, I can't go without my pearls.

210
00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:46,102
And it's more than just the luck.
It's who I was before I lost everything.

211
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,980
You know how I always say,
"Hi, I'm Caroline Channing"...

212
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,479
...and then touch my pearls?

213
00:10:50,649 --> 00:10:53,489
I'm not just introducing myself,
I'm reminding myself.

214
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,953
Well, let me remind you
of something else.

215
00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:59,624
Yesterday you told me we were going
to rule the world with cupcakes.

216
00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:01,704
Yeah, that was the pearls talking.

217
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,620
Okay, well, now I'm talking.

218
00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:06,078
There is no luck, there's only work.

219
00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:08,339
And right now,
you're working my last nerve.

220
00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:11,670
So I'm going down there myself
and if Martha won't help me...

221
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:14,627
...I'm gonna bust her kneecaps
with a rolling pin and say:

222
00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:17,259
"Now, that's a good thing."

223
00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:21,558
What if we just send Martha an e-mail...

224
00:11:21,722 --> 00:11:24,482
...so we're not in her office
begging some receptionist.

225
00:11:24,643 --> 00:11:26,353
-That won't do anything.
CAROLINE: It will.

226
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,859
I craft amazing e-mails. I went to Wharton.

227
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,692
-Heh.
-Please don't, Max, that's all I have left.

228
00:11:32,109 --> 00:11:33,359
Max, Caroline.

229
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:37,147
I found something at the Restaurant
Trade Show you might be interested in.

230
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:41,662
The only trade I'm interested in is if
we can exchange you for anybody else.

231
00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:44,446
CAROLINE: Ha, ha.
-You won't be laughing in a minute.

232
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:48,420
Look, it's a cupcake from the new
state-of-the-art cupcake ATM machine.

233
00:11:48,582 --> 00:11:50,882
Sprinkles Cupcakes plans
to put them everywhere.

234
00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:54,673
Soon everyone will be able
to just push a button, day or night...

235
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:55,920
...and get a cupcake.

236
00:11:56,508 --> 00:12:00,218
So I guess what I'm saying is,
you might be screwed.

237
00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:04,266
Delicious.

238
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:06,682
And no attitude.

239
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:13,439
Well, more bad luck. I thought you were
kidding, but machines are taking over.

240
00:12:13,607 --> 00:12:16,527
We can't compete with that.
The business is done. Game over.

241
00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:19,025
Man, you are never gonna make it
in the future.

242
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:20,867
This is where the humans fight.

243
00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:24,122
This is where we march down
to Martha Stewart, demand a blurb...

244
00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,036
...so we can compete with machines...

245
00:12:26,203 --> 00:12:29,883
...just like in
Terminator 2: Rise of the Desserts.

246
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:32,457
Fine. Let's go see Martha.
She's our only hope.

247
00:12:32,626 --> 00:12:36,006
My lucky necklace is gone.
We can no longer wait for magic to happen.

248
00:12:36,173 --> 00:12:39,883
Thank you, by the way, for never telling me
that our former plan was magic.

249
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:46,179
We'll just reintroduce ourselves
and our cupcakes to Martha...

250
00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:49,189
...and impress her, even though
I'm wearing a necklace I hate.

251
00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:51,271
It's limp, anemic and lackluster.

252
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,397
I have an Olsen twin around my neck.

253
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:55,316
Here.

254
00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:56,574
CAROLINE:
What are you doing?

255
00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:59,525
So Martha will recognize me.

256
00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:01,868
CAROLINE:
Hi, excuse me. Two questions:

257
00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:05,162
Which floor is Martha Stewart on,
and should I lose this necklace?

258
00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:08,710
Well, your silence speaks volumes.

259
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:12,081
Hi, I'm not crazy,
so you can just tell me the floor number.

260
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:15,750
Elevator right over there, 15th floor,
Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia.

261
00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:18,671
Heh. Just got a little damp.

262
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,930
Thanks for your help. Feels better.

263
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:24,642
Smart, getting necklace advice
from a guy with no neck.

264
00:13:24,803 --> 00:13:29,563
Wait. Is that--? That's the cupcake
machine that Han was talking about.

265
00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:31,265
Oh, no.

266
00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:35,016
I was hoping it'd be ugly,
but it's pink and really cute.

267
00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:37,820
It's like a gay R2-D2.

268
00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:41,450
Well, a gayer R2-D2.

269
00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:44,323
Who wouldn't want a cupcake from this?

270
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,410
No one.

271
00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:47,698
We have to mess her up.

272
00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:50,619
What? Why are you carrying spray paint
in your purse?

273
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:53,998
For the same reason I carry a tampon.
Because you never know.

274
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,497
We are not gonna destroy
someone else's property.

275
00:13:57,003 --> 00:14:00,263
Well, we have to do something,
because it's that machine or us.

276
00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:03,633
Oh, I know. We can open the little door
and put a poop in it.

277
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:07,970
Not one of mine. Jeez, what am I, a pig?

278
00:14:08,847 --> 00:14:10,847
Well, I'm not doing it.

279
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:14,193
No. We just get some puppy poo
from the street.

280
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,944
No. We are not that desperate.

281
00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:19,776
And I'm out of Wetnaps.

282
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:24,355
No, see. We already met Martha.
We're just stopping by to say hi.

283
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:27,620
You've already met Martha,
you're just stopping by to say hi.

284
00:14:27,783 --> 00:14:30,203
Yes. Martha Stewart asked us for our card.

285
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,960
Martha Stewart asked you for your card.

286
00:14:33,163 --> 00:14:35,583
Where should I tell Martha
she asked for your card?

287
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:37,040
In the ladies' room.

288
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:40,130
Martha Stewart asked you
for your card in the ladies' room.

289
00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:42,757
Okay. Don't make it sound like that.
It happened.

290
00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:46,143
-We cornered her in the--
-Don't make it sound like that either.

291
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:49,932
We went to a gala on the off-chance
she'd be gracious enough to try our cupcake.

292
00:14:50,097 --> 00:14:53,387
-And she did. She was very gracious.
-"Cornered" was the wrong word.

293
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:55,769
It's not like we went there
to hunt her down.

294
00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:58,767
It's not like you went there
to hunt her down.

295
00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:00,440
It's not.

296
00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:01,739
Okay. I hear your tone.

297
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:05,110
I see what's going down here.
You think I'm some kind of a problem.

298
00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:07,699
Well, for the record:
Martha came on to me.

299
00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:09,365
All right. Okay.

300
00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:11,953
This is not going
as well as we had hoped.

301
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:14,410
Don't know how it could
without my magic pearls.

302
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:17,881
l get that you're not gonna let us
up there, and I don't blame you...

303
00:15:18,043 --> 00:15:22,133
...what with this one talking about magic.
But just so you know, we are not lying.

304
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:24,337
It happened.
And after we hunted her down--

305
00:15:24,506 --> 00:15:26,586
Because, yeah,
you got us on that, we did.

306
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,759
--Martha told us she liked
our entrepreneurial drive.

307
00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:33,519
Well, that does sound like Martha.

308
00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:35,555
Okay. I'll send these up. Have a seat.

309
00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:37,806
Oh. Thank you so much.

310
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:39,359
And here, please take one.

311
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:42,572
Just so you can see for yourself
why Martha asked for our card.

312
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:46,235
Well, I was gonna get a cupcake
from that cute machine downstairs later.

313
00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:49,783
Oh. Don't. I heard someone found something
nasty in that. In about an hour.

314
00:15:49,948 --> 00:15:51,238
Max.

315
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:55,498
This is our beer-batter maple-bacon
Spring Break cupcake.

316
00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:58,246
Mm. I see why Martha--

317
00:15:58,415 --> 00:16:00,375
Oh! What the--?

318
00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:02,093
I cracked my tooth.

319
00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:04,094
What--? Ow!

320
00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:06,844
What is that? Is it glass?

321
00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:08,468
No, it's a pearl.

322
00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:10,432
I'm so sorry.

323
00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:12,595
Sorry? You're sorry?

324
00:16:12,764 --> 00:16:16,894
I've been wearing Invisaligns
for 11 months.

325
00:16:18,269 --> 00:16:19,939
Well, there goes our big break.

326
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,730
Never would have happened
if I'd had my necklace.

327
00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:24,729
The one that broke into the batter...

328
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:28,030
...and that woman spit into her hand
mixed with saliva and blood?

329
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:30,276
That lucky necklace?

330
00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:32,332
Yes.

331
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:33,743
Might as well face it.

332
00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:36,829
You and I are on our own.
Not just because of Martha either.

333
00:16:36,995 --> 00:16:40,035
Because there is no such thing
as good luck. Never seen it.

334
00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:44,497
And all lucky charms are stupid,
except for the Lucky Charms...

335
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:47,131
...which are magically delicious.

336
00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:51,512
Look at it over there.

337
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:54,297
Gay R2-D2 just laughing at us.

338
00:16:54,471 --> 00:16:56,641
You were right, Max.
You and I are on our own.

339
00:16:56,807 --> 00:17:00,187
We're just a little start-up cupcake company
in a hard, hard world.

340
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:03,612
And we gotta take matters
into our own hands. Cover me.

341
00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:07,653
Wait, wait. No. No.
Don't do it now, the guard is right there--

342
00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:11,358
Hey, you. Stop that. What kind
of freaks deface a cupcake machine?

343
00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:13,370
MAX:
Run, run, run.

344
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:17,831
Okay, stop, stop, stop. We lost him.

345
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,998
You know you only tagged the wall, right?

346
00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:22,825
Yes. I have no luck.

347
00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:25,339
No one has any luck.

348
00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:29,382
With the possible exception
of Lindsay Lohan's lawyer.

349
00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:33,468
Look, it's Martha. She's getting
in that car. Give me the cupcakes.

350
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:37,215
I'm going after her before she talks
to that lady whose mouth we broke.

351
00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:40,678
-Max, don't jiggle the cupcakes.
MAX: Don't worry.

352
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:42,309
(MAX SCREAMS)

353
00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:44,019
(CAROLINE SCREAMS)

354
00:17:44,189 --> 00:17:47,569
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Max. Are you all right?

355
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,323
Are you all right?

356
00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:51,276
I'm fine.

357
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:53,110
No broken bones.

358
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,660
Which is surprising because when
I was a kid, we couldn't afford milk.

359
00:17:56,867 --> 00:18:00,537
The only time my mother bought milk
was when my face was on the carton.

360
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,793
Are you sure you're all right?

361
00:18:03,124 --> 00:18:07,384
Yeah, I guess there
is such a thing as luck.

362
00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:13,512
And tomorrow night,
when you come in for takeout, Sophie...

363
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:16,135
...all Max has to do is hit this little thing.

364
00:18:16,304 --> 00:18:19,434
Well, if I'm allowed to hit little things,
you're next.

365
00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:22,428
Change makes everyone so tense.

366
00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:26,478
Kitchen is now closed.

367
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,937
I have plans.

368
00:18:29,192 --> 00:18:31,532
Big plans.

369
00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:38,243
Sophie, I understand your relationship
with Oleg is complicated...

370
00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:39,579
...so let's simplify it:

371
00:18:39,743 --> 00:18:43,413
Are you having sex in our building tonight,
and do I have to wear earplugs?

372
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:45,250
I will be alone.

373
00:18:45,415 --> 00:18:47,665
But wear them anyway.

374
00:18:50,337 --> 00:18:52,007
Hi. Sorry, we're closed.

375
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:55,383
I do not wish to eat.
I just got collect call from Oleg.

376
00:18:57,929 --> 00:19:00,269
She said, we are closed.

377
00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:02,431
Oh, and who are you?

378
00:19:02,599 --> 00:19:07,269
I'm the last person you will see
before you learn how to walk again.

379
00:19:09,356 --> 00:19:14,396
Stay away from Oleg or I'll pull
your intestines out through your nose...

380
00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:18,030
...and give them to her
to wear as new necklace.

381
00:19:18,615 --> 00:19:20,695
Fine. I will leave.

382
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:24,788
But only because you have eyes
of a python and I have possible UTI.

383
00:19:27,584 --> 00:19:29,214
Sophie?

384
00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:32,336
Why don't you just admit it,
you and Oleg?

385
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:35,375
What? It's not like I want him.

386
00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:39,799
It's just that, where I come from,
you never throw anything away.

387
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:42,933
Here you go, ladies.

388
00:19:43,098 --> 00:19:45,728
Enjoy the extra tips
from your credit card...

389
00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:49,864
...because when Han flips that switch,
the only tip I can give you is...

390
00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,942
...don't wash your hair every day.

391
00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:53,317
It dries it out.

392
00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:57,452
Okay. Here comes the future.

393
00:19:57,614 --> 00:20:00,124
One, two--

394
00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:07,121
Oh, this old building sucks me so hard.

395
00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:09,579
EARL:
Congratulations, ladies.

396
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:11,000
This is your lucky night.

397
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:15,841
Speaking of luck, here are your pearls.

398
00:20:16,007 --> 00:20:18,507
I found most of them,
but I think Chestnut ate a few.

399
00:20:18,675 --> 00:20:21,715
-You can dig for those later yourself.
-Max.

400
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:23,347
MAX:
And it won't look the same...

401
00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:25,973
...because you have to string them
on this cheap-ass wire...

402
00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:29,352
...I got at the hipster bead store,
Beading Off.

403
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:33,360
We can add this Earl bonus money
to our business total.

404
00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:37,363
Yeah, that 150 will really put a dent
in the 250,000 we need.

405
00:20:37,528 --> 00:20:40,408
We'll get there. You and I have
something Martha Stewart...

406
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:41,783
...and machines don't.

407
00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:45,040
Unpaid bills? Mushrooms growing
on our bathroom rug?

408
00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:46,952
No. Each other.

409
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:51,668
Aw, a year later, you're still trying
to get me to feel things.

410
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:55,462
Do you wanna know the real reason
I thought this necklace was so lucky?

411
00:20:55,630 --> 00:20:57,460
I was wearing it the day I met you.

412
00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:01,798
So I'm gonna have some extras.
Do you wanna make one for yourself?

413
00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:06,430
No, I've had plenty of pearl necklaces,
and I find them more sticky than lucky.

414
00:21:07,517 --> 00:21:08,887
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

415
00:21:09,059 --> 00:21:12,269
Max. "ms@marthastewartinc.com."

416
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:15,650
"Haven't forgotten about you girls.
Martha Stewart."

417
00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:20,818
Just when I thought I was out,
she pulls me back in again.

418
00:21:48,766 --> 00:21:50,766
English - US - SDH

419
00:21:50,816 --> 00:21:55,366
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